Donna and I unpacked a couple yearbooks and made a section in the kitchen of the cafe for remembrance and concern. One night we were looking at them wondering what it was all about. Fry had been an exciting place to visit that summer but I was horrified at carnage among people I felt were strong. I was also reading CW2 a novel by Layne Heath. I was chasing my dad's ghost again wondering why he was the way he was sometimes suffocating me with his need for attention while other times waltzing out of my life.

A familiar face rolled in again. I felt his stare again probe the café and make note of Donna and I. She had arrived after his first visit Clint was now gone. Oddly enough Donna had put on Pearl Jam. This time he ordered a cup of coffee and indicated that he wanted conversation. He heard the song Alive and watched the reactions on our faces. The song meant something to us both. He knew it I made a fresh pot and he made a comment, "Good book." I replied, "More potent than Heart of Darkness." He responded, "Don't go looking for your dad in that book the answer is more complex than that." I felt a stare right through me as he glanced at the wall he saw pictures and he asked me about those. I told him about Fry the tug a war with real lives and what had become of those pictured. I told him about New Braunfels and what had happened there. He looked at me and said, "Looks like you and Donna are both dealing survivor's guilt." He went right to the heart of the matter he did not apply anesthetic to begin surgery. I was stunned momentarily. I replied yes. He then went on, "Stop chasing your father's ghost his abandonment of you was the best thing that happened to you he will always be submissive to your mother he will never be your model in anything other than aviation. Second you and Donna survived only God knows why stop asking the question it will drive you crazy and you will join your own group of lost and dead and I assure you, you don't want to join that company even though you think you might. As for whether you deserve to be in that company or not is besides the question altogether. Stop carrying the dead and lost on your back you got more than enough baggage to deal with already. You and Donna are both good leaders. You cared you demand more of yourself though than you are capable of giving. You gave bad advice you may have helped ruin a life it's too late to do anything about it now. He's gone. Doug is dead Erin along with Adam are dead bury them let them rest in peace Lord Knows they did not get much peace while they were alive. As for all the missing hope and pray that is all you can do by obsessing over them you are only throwing good effort after bad. You can't help them and helping them is no longer your business do what you need to do here first. One part of you is still on Fry one part of you forever will be on Fry but come back from Fry you are here you are now and the past is the past you gotta learn to bury it my friend. You are carrying the dead.  When you carry the dead you can not tend to the living. Let those bodies rest in peace. Those are in the land of the living need to be in the land of the living not in the land of the dead. Stop carrying them with you."  He let out the remark "As for the question "Do you deserve to be it is beyond where you have rights to question." 

I poured a fresh cup and he said a drink to the living in hopes for their safe return a toast to the dead you did the best you could. One by one the names were called out Donna joining us as we finished a large pot coffee. The air was solemn I felt though I was crawling out from underneath a big boulder. It was sad writing off those who were almost all but out of my reach all I could do was pray. Each sip of the coffee bitter rich satisfying. The coffee was like life itself a brew sometimes bitter but in the end good. I was sad mourning the deaths of those who I had lost along away. All those that I sipped coffee to that night would be gone but not forgotten.

I flew back to Kerrville and drove to my dorm wired on the caffeine But, amidst the coffee jitters I was at peace. I climbed the stairs in the dorm hurriedly to avoid the drunks coming back in from Little River and College night. The last thing I wanted to deal with was Tim's roommate who had the annoying habit of thinking he was Mike Tyson after five or six beers. I also did not want to see Allen go pin balling down the halls way too drunk to even comprehend a straight line let alone walk it.